potty woes

I've decided to potty train Leo. I know it might seem like it's a little late. I'm sure most of the kids you know were happily pooping and peeing away like big kids by the time they were three but Leo and I got stuck somewhere in a world of extremely appealing pull-ups emblazoned with Lightning McQueen. Don't get me wrong, Leo is a very smart three year old but the potty just seemed to daunt us both. Anyway, no more! For the past week, we've been diving in to the process (not the potty) headfirst.

Hmm...potty traing with a newborn in the house. You know, this might not be my brightest judgement call. Typical moments are something like this.

"Mummy, can I have a car?"

"Leo, you have enough cars. Look at all your cars."

I look around the living room and it's littered with cars. I'm sitting on the couch full of little hot wheels breastfeeding Russell. Russell is going through a three week growth spurt. I'm always feeding Russell.

"Mummy, if I go pee and poo on the potty will you get me a new car?"

"Yes, Leo, if you go pee and poo on the potty I will get you a new car."

Now, I know this is shameless bribery but I'm not thinking straight at this point. I can hear things happening in Russell's diaper. Big things. Very, very big things. And now there is something warm and wet on the hand that is holding Russell's bum. Something has leaked out of the side of his diaper. A very, very big something.

"Okay mummy, I can go pee and poo on the potty now."

Oh god, it's poo. The something is poo. Liquid, golden brown breastmilk poo is all over my hand and spreading onto my pants. My pants are soaked through. There is poo all over my thigh.

"Mummy, I want to go pee and poo on the potty now."

I try to move Russell with my clean hand but the poo is everywhere. It's all over the legs of his suit. I can see poo stains all up his back. Please, don't let it be on the couch. What is that dark, wet mark on the couch?

"MUMMY, I WANT TO GO PEE AND POO ON THE POTTY RIGHT NOW!"

"Okay, Leo, we'll go to the potty very soon."

Frantically, I search for some wipes. I vaguely remember grabbing a package from the upstairs bathroom and putting them into a backpack for our hike last weekend. I sprint to the hallway, see the backpack and rush back to Russell who's happily rolling around in his own feces on my living room floor.

"MUMMY! POTTY! RIGHT NOW!"

I'm sweating by this point, stripping Russell, rubbing my hand, rubbing Russell, rubbing my hand again. I many never get all of this poo under control.

"MUMMY! I WANT TO POOOOOOOOO!"

Russell is clean. His suit may never be the same but he is clean and my floor is clean. I'm not sure about the couch. I wash my hands.

"Leo, do you want to go up to the potty now?"

"No. In a little while."

"But, Leo, you said you wanted to use the potty."

"Not now."

"Leo, I will buy you a new car if you go pee and poo on the potty."

"No, but, I have enough cars."

Let's fast forward an hour and a half to the point where I do actually get him onto the potty. Russell is settled and dry and sleeping in his crib and Leo and I are in the upstairs bathroom. I'm on the floor. He's on the potty.

"Do you feel like you need to pee, Leo?"

"Yes."

"Okay then, you can pee."

"I am peeing, Mummy."

I check the potty. No pee. Nothing. Totally dry. What is that grungy patch over in the corner? Man, I should really bleach this thing.

"Okay, Leo, try to poo instead. Push it out of your bum."

"Mummy, you should read me a story. Then I will go poo."

One pop up version of Little Red Riding Hood and lots of encouragement later, still no poo.

"Mummy, you should read me another story. Then I will go poo."

I can hear Russell beginning to stir. I'd better pick a short story. One quick read through of Dinosaur Train later, still no poo.

"Maybe you don't need to poo, Leo? Maybe you're finished now?" I don't think Russell is going to last much longer.

"No, I'm not finished yet." Poor Russell.

"Mummy, you should read me another story and I'll go poo. I'll pick the story."

"Okay, Leo, you go pick the story. I'm going to go check on Russell."

Russell is moving around in his crib and grizzling a lot. I avoid his eyes and creep back to the bathroom hoping he didn't notice me. On the way, I notice that Leo has stopped and is standing in the middle of his room with a blank look on his face.

"What are you doing, Leo?"

"I'm peeing."

Oh please no. What is that dark wet patch on the floor? Hmm, What does pee do to hardwood?

Aaaah! I get him back to the potty quickly. Then I see the book in his hand. It's Richard Scarry. I takes an hour to read Richard Scarry, even at the best of times.

"You should read me this story, Mummy. Then I will go poo on the potty."

Okay, I'm reading three pages. No More! Three pages and that's it...hey...what's that smell?

"Leo, did you go poo on the potty?"

"Yes." He grunts, all red in the face.

Hooray! Success! Yay...it's taking a long time...wow, this is one big poo. This is the longest poo of his little life. Okay, whew, I think he's done.

"Are you all done, buddy?"

"Yes. Now can I have a car?"

I check the potty. The poo is colossal. It fills the bowl. Bits of it are clinging to his legs. They should really make potties a lot bigger than they do. I search frantically for some wipes. Vaguely, I remember throwing the wipes from the upstairs bathroom into the backpack...downstairs. And Russell is no longer just grizzling. It's a full on scream.

"Mummy, why is there poo on my shirt?

Let's skip forward again to a happier place. Both kids are clean and dry. My hardwood is clean and dry. The potty is clean and dry. I'm not sure about the couch. We're all set to go out. Russell is snuggled into the sling and Leo has managed to put his shoes on the right feet.

"Are we going to get a car now, Mummy?"

"Yes, Leo, we're going to get a car."

"A new car?"

"Yes, Leo."

"Did I go poo on the potty, Mummy?"

"Yes, Leo."

"Are we going right now, Mummy?"

"Yes, Leo."

I find my keys and grab my sunglasses, totally in control, even remembering that I need to pick up some more wipes while I'm out... And then the dog throws up.