Match girl.

I wrote today. My life is full of to-do lists that stay pinned to the bulletin board for years, literally years, and so many ideas that are never brought to fruition. But, then again, I wrote today. I have to remind myself of what I actually do accomplish or I'll be scuttled by all these things I've never finished. They're sharp. They like to poke holes in my self esteem. And keeping a positive self image is hard enough already. It's so hard to see who I am without comparing myself to the person that I want to be. I get bogged down by all the things I could have done, should have done by now; those sticky, swampy, disappointments and failures.

We had friends over on the weekend. They were full of wonderful things to say about our house, our pictures, the homeyness of our kitchen, the colours of paint on the walls. Things I never think. I never think anything nice about our house. All I think is "Ugh, I need to re paint that porch railing. God, those weeds back there are out of control. Why can't I keep that bookshelf clean?" It's unthinkable to me that anyone could find my house appealing. Is it always like that? Did the people in the story know that their Christmas tree was that bright, their fire that warm and beautiful? Or were they drowning in their own family squabbles and setbacks like the rest of us and unable to look through the windows and see their own happy faces.

I know my kids have the same difficulties that I do. Aidan always perceives his failures as greater than his successes and I've dealt with years of frustrated meltdowns about pictures that aren't as good as the ones in his head, lego models he's built from just an idea that don't work exactly right on the first try, words that don't immediately say exactly what he means. And Leo is the same, in his own way. We play superheroes and when he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, the disappointment is almost palpable. Because he isn't really Batman, you know.

How do I change that? How do I help them see the good instead of the bad, keep them boouyed up and happy with themselves? Am I ever going to get this right or is this yet another example of the mother that I am falling short of the mother that I want to be.

The kids and I leave today to go camping with my parents for a week. I can't wait. I need to get away and listen to trees and that weird morse code that squirrels speak in, rather than the voices in my heads. A chance to be surrounded by the lake, the leaves, the light and not an ever lengthening list.

portent or procrastination?

Leo and I were cleaning the pool this morning and this is what we discovered...



Is it just me or does anyone else find this creepy? I nearly had a heart attack at the sight of it. If I hadn't been holding Russell at the time I probably would have.

I feel like it might be an omen, some kind of warning from the gods about letting the children use the pool today. I'm almost afraid to go to exercise class because Kurtis might recklessly decide to take all three of them in at once and Leo is not a strong enough swimmer to be in a pool with only one adult and a baby brother. He can't touch bottom yet.

It's probably silly but the arm feels ominous to me. I believe in omens. Or maybe I just don't want to go to exercise class. It's so hard to know myself at times.

boxes

Who knew how fun a cardboard box, an inflatable pool and a box of smarties could be...

becoming friends with superheroes

On the way out of Ikea yesterday, Leo whispered in my ear that he had saved all of the other kids from drowning in the balls because he was a superhero. I asked him who he was playing with.

"I had special names for them." He said.

"I called them Night Serana and Princess Gihalla."

"Oh." I said. "That must have been fun."

"Not really." He whispered.

"They didn't like their names so they pushed me away because sometimes, Mum, sometimes people don't even know that they need to be saved."

My secret identity

Are mothers supposed to have other lives? Specifically other lives where they dress up in funny costumes and sing songs about love and loss and drinking?


Shhh....I do....

Short Hills hike

Here we are on a recent hike. It was a three hour hike and both Aidan and Leo did it all without complaint. In fact, the only one who complained was Russell. He just couldn't wait to get out of the back pack and get on the ground himself.




















Can you tell that he does everything his older brother does?

















Russell was so much happier once he got moving







We didn't build it. We just found it.







Awwww....look! They love eachother.