Match girl.

I wrote today. My life is full of to-do lists that stay pinned to the bulletin board for years, literally years, and so many ideas that are never brought to fruition. But, then again, I wrote today. I have to remind myself of what I actually do accomplish or I'll be scuttled by all these things I've never finished. They're sharp. They like to poke holes in my self esteem. And keeping a positive self image is hard enough already. It's so hard to see who I am without comparing myself to the person that I want to be. I get bogged down by all the things I could have done, should have done by now; those sticky, swampy, disappointments and failures.

We had friends over on the weekend. They were full of wonderful things to say about our house, our pictures, the homeyness of our kitchen, the colours of paint on the walls. Things I never think. I never think anything nice about our house. All I think is "Ugh, I need to re paint that porch railing. God, those weeds back there are out of control. Why can't I keep that bookshelf clean?" It's unthinkable to me that anyone could find my house appealing. Is it always like that? Did the people in the story know that their Christmas tree was that bright, their fire that warm and beautiful? Or were they drowning in their own family squabbles and setbacks like the rest of us and unable to look through the windows and see their own happy faces.

I know my kids have the same difficulties that I do. Aidan always perceives his failures as greater than his successes and I've dealt with years of frustrated meltdowns about pictures that aren't as good as the ones in his head, lego models he's built from just an idea that don't work exactly right on the first try, words that don't immediately say exactly what he means. And Leo is the same, in his own way. We play superheroes and when he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, the disappointment is almost palpable. Because he isn't really Batman, you know.

How do I change that? How do I help them see the good instead of the bad, keep them boouyed up and happy with themselves? Am I ever going to get this right or is this yet another example of the mother that I am falling short of the mother that I want to be.

The kids and I leave today to go camping with my parents for a week. I can't wait. I need to get away and listen to trees and that weird morse code that squirrels speak in, rather than the voices in my heads. A chance to be surrounded by the lake, the leaves, the light and not an ever lengthening list.